How to use a Bidet

I've always wanted to know how to use one of these things. I've only seen one in my lifetime but did not attempt to use it. If I ever see another one, I wash my ass with it.

How to Use a Bidet
If you're traveling through Europe, Latin America, Japan, or the Middle East, chances are, you'll probably encounter a bidet in the bathroom. It's traditionally a basin near the toilet that's used to clean the genitals and anal area after using the toilet or whenever a "freshening up" is needed. While your first encounter with a bidet can be a little daunting, they are actually very simple (and hygienic) to use.

1. Use the toilet first. The purpose of the bidet is to help clean off after toilet use. While some people believe that using a bidet is a hygienic substitute for using toilet paper, many people choose to use both.
2. Straddle the bidet. On most standalone bidets you can either face the bidet's water controls or you can face away from them, as you would on a toilet. It is easier to control the flow and temperature of the water if you face the controls, but if you are wearing pants you will generally need to remove them in order to straddle the bidet in this manner. Alternatively, you can squat with your back facing the bidet just as is done with the toilet. There are a variety of bidet designs, so you may need to face one way or the other depending on the configuration of the jets and the area of your body that you wish to clean.
3. Adjust the temperature and jet strengths for comfort. If the bidet has both hot and cold water controls, start by turning on the hot water. Once it's hot, add the cold water until you have a comfortable temperature. (In normally hot climates, such as the middle east, you should start with the cold water. The water will not need time to heat up and you will end up burning sensitive areas if you turn the hot water on first...)

* Be very careful when turning on the water, as many bidets can produce a very high jet of water with only a slight turn of the control.
* Be sure that you know where the water will be coming from ahead of time, or you could end up with a surprise shower.
* You may find that you need to hold the control to keep the jets on.
4. Position yourself over the water jets so that the jets hit the desired area. For some bidets you can continue to hover above the bidet or you can sit down on it. Note that most bidets don't have seats, but are still meant to be sat upon; you just sit directly on the rim. Some bidets do not have jets, but instead simply have a faucet that fills the basin, as you would fill a sink basin.
5. Clean anal area and/or genitals. Generally, you simply allow the jets to clean the desired area without having to use your hands. If there are no jets, you will need to use your hands to assist in bathing. You can use soap if you want to, applying it just as you would in the shower.
6. Dry your skin. Some bidets have a built-in air dryer that you can use. For others, simply pat dry with a towel or toilet paper. Many bidets have a towel on a ring positioned next to the bidet.
7. Rinse out the bidet. Once you are off the bidet, run the jets at very low pressure for a few seconds to rinse the basin and keep the bidet fresh.
8. Wash your hands with soap and water, as you would anytime after using the toilet.